Forgiveness - The Power of Letting Go
Published on MAY 2010, THE HINDU
Each time we witness an act of forgiveness, we marvel at its power to heal, to break a seemingly unending cycle of pain. All spiritual teachings talk about imbibing the quality of forgiveness, but few actually practice or offer it. If we want a lighter heart and more love, we have to set our prisoners free. Creating space in our minds and hearts for vibrancy and joy, requires letting go of excess emotional baggage. How does one achieve this? Through forgiveness- the power of letting go.
Research suggests that grudges, hatred, anger, resentments are all emotions that physically manifest as a diseases and destroy mental health. People, who consciously make a choice to forgive, report better health in the long term. Specifically, blood pressure, heart disease, stomach ailments are improved, due to less stress, unhappiness and anger. Forgiveness also heals relationships, increases marital satisfaction, and stops crime at its source.
Despite there being increasing evidence of forgiveness as a tool for a happier and healthier life, people struggle with the concept of forgiveness. Perhaps this is because forgiveness is something we don't fully understand. As Friedrich Nietzsche said, we associate forgiveness with weakness. In fact, the opposite is true. Those who have studied it can tell you without a qualification that forgiveness is a sign of strength and requires courage, compassion and great strength of character.
Some believe that forgiveness is to do with saints and requires special spiritual prowess. Not only is it a very human quality, displays of forgiveness and reconciliation are common among monkeys, apes and other primates, and suggest this behaviour has been around for over thirty million years. Research conducted at the University of Wisconsin in 1997 indicates forgiveness can be taught and with positive results.
Many view forgiveness as a way of condoning wrong. For e.g. we think forgiving an affair means we support it. Infact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong. Forgiving does not mean having to continue being in a relationship with a person who has wronged us or love them, but rather, to let go and stop dwelling on revenge or harbouring hate. We need not reconcile with those who have hurt us, in order to forgive.
Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did us wrong apologizes, wants us back, or changes his or her ways. If another person's poor behaviour were the primary determinant for us healing then the unkind and selfish people in our life would retain power over us indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside that can neither be compelled, nor stopped by another.
The other person might be free of their actions, maybe they have justified it in their minds, but if we hold onto it, we continue to carry forth negative energy into our life. It eventually consolidates into bitterness and anger.
The hurt has been done; we need not continue hurting ourselves by holding onto it. Instead, we can take constructive steps to set stronger boundaries, make changes, and let go of unhealthy relationships. Forgiving is a gift to our own mental and physical health.
So how does one go about “forgiving?”
1. Talk to someone about the emotions surrounding what happened, be it a counsellor or a trusted and mature individual. Part of healing is being heard, understood and validated.
2. When you start to dwell on the event, remind yourselves that the anger and hate that well up, only harm you, causing disease and leave you in a foul mood. They do not impact your perpetrator, but impact you.
3. By not letting go, you give the person power over your life and mind, and continue to let them hurt you and many get stuck in unhealthy, abusive relationships, with a constant desire to take revenge.
4.Try to recognise that all humans actually make the best choices in a given situation. Only with experience and wisdom can we say whether an action was wise or unwise. You cannot control where people are on their soul path, but you can take personal responsibility.
5. Anger results from the fact that we believe no one should hurt us, or personal relationships should be perfect. This won’t happen. We hurt people and people hurt us. We have to accept this.
6. Often people land up hurting us unintentionally- try to think from the other person viewpoint- what would you have done in their place? Could they have a reason for their action? What emotions could they have felt that made them react the way they did? Can you view them with some compassion? This does not mean what they did was justified; it only loosens the knot of anger and hate within you, and opens channels for authentic communication, if opportunity arises.
7.Anger can be useful in motivating action towards a better life, but once the situation is past, it loses this potential. Is your anger at what happed helping your present life or our future? How does the anger impact your current situation or relationship?
8. Take responsibility for your own emotional state and choices. If you choose to be in a relationship with the person, remember you made a choice to continue and forgiveness is important for both of you to live peacefully.
9. Sometimes people act out of instinct more than sense, and sometimes from a place of fear. Where did he/she come from?
10. People’s ideas of right and wrong differ- however much we try to harmonise ethics, we can never speak for another, only ourselves.
11. Harm is not justice- talk to others before harming another individual. Justice is different to useless revenge.
So, forgiveness has nothing to with anyone else, but us. It’s very difficult to let go of past pain, but by accepting its existence and being committed to releasing the past, we can gain some freedom from the pain that binds us.
