Insecurity - The chain that binds

Published on DECEMBER 2010, LIFE POSITIVE MAGAZINE

 

Most people at one time or another will experience some trouble with insecurity in relationships. A little insecurity is normal, but this feeling can grow to crippling proportions and end a potentially happy relationship. Insecure people find it difficult to feel gratitude, satisfaction, happiness or recognise abundance and grace. Life gets covered by a dark shadow of struggle and doubt.

 

For e.g. Shyla, A former client came to me to work on insecurity issues. “I am obsessed with my husband. I always fear that a coffee is never a coffee, it’s always indicative of something else, be it with a man or woman.”

 

Shyla has been married 15 years and calls her suffering “chronic doubt syndrome.” She is even insecure about her children, friends, and co workers. When her co workers are talking, she feels it is about her. This causes anxiety for the rest of the day. Shyla is afraid when her kids grow up, they will forget her or not take care of her. “You know how life is these days, who will have time for me? What can I give?”

 

Saurabh, a 29 year old, successful entrepreneur in Mumbai, talked of his deep seated insecurity which drives him to fight, rant and rage against his girlfriend. This is affecting their relationship and work. “I know that I should not be saying all this to her, but I lose it and say whatever comes to my head. Later I know it was really hurtful, but the damage is done.”

 

Insecurity is an emotional alarm clock that goes off every time our spouse talks to other women, if we see our friend spend less time with us or that neighbour who has the perfect body. Insecurity is normal in all relationships, but too much drains relationships of love and erodes the foundation. People who are in relationships with insecure people, find the constant comforting and reassurances draining and irritating.

 

Rahul, Shylas husband, said he was so exhausted of being accused of crimes he hadn’t committed, that he was tempted to indulge in all of them to spite his wife. “I can’t handle her anymore; she is just too insecure and drives me crazy.”

 

Insecurity robs our life and relationships of zest. We approach everything in a self conscious, defensive and anxious way. Sometimes, people even develop anxiety disorders due to excessive fear.

 

Where does Insecurity come from and how does it affect us?

 

Minood, Founder of the Temple of Inner Wisdom and Spiritual Teacher, says insecurity is caused by lack of self love and faith. It can be about money, looks, or relationships. Insecurities are caused because an individual doesn’t have self love. They get worried about their stake in the relationship and believe that they aren’t as important to their partner as they want to be.

 

Vimla Jain, a follower of Yogoda Satsanga says “insecurity is driven by self pity. We do not feel we are worthy and seek for others to constantly pacify our egos through reassurances and special attention.”

 

Paramahansa Yogananda, despised jealousies that arose within disciplines due to insecurities. He said that these feelings destroy all relationships, mostly with ourselves. It causes one immense pain, and our lives are never good enough for us. He believed that those who did not feel gods love, become insecure and jealous. They are unable to trust the divine process in their lives and cling onto ego driven doubts and creations and try to control outcomes.

 

In my practice, I find extreme insecurity is rooted in fear. Fear of loss, not being good enough, of having to depend on oneself. People’s relationship with the self is deeply flawed. They are unable to develop emotional strength to cope with life, therefore, depend on others to provide that support. This leads to an unhealthy dependency where the partner or friend becomes the source of strength and meaning. These support systems are impermanent and cause pain, since they are controlled by another person. This power dynamic causes an individual to feel out of control and weak, and makes them insecure.

 

Similarly, Aarathi Selvan a Psychological Counsellor based in Hyderabad says “insecurity has a fertile ground in an unequal relationship. By unequal I don’t mean a relationship where the man is the breadwinner and the woman a home maker. This relationship can very well be one among equals than a couple who have serious careers. Unequal relationships are those in which one partner is unable to be authentically herself/himself because the other spouse often takes away all decision making power from his/her partner (be it as small as what do we eat this evening to what happens to my savings).”

 

Insecurities are also caused by many other factors, such as unstable childhood, rigid critical upbringing, over achieving siblings, painful life events and lack of support and guidance.

 

Relationship insecurities are something people all over the world cope with. In my conversation with Marsha Williams, Psychotherapist and adjunct assistant professor at Borough of Manhattan Community College, New York, she lists ways in which insecurities manifest in our lives

 

* It creates Jealousy and distrust that can be detrimental.

* It thwarts the communication process and prevents growth within the relationship.

* Unnecessary conflicts within the relationship that leads to premature breakups.

 

A book that I recommend to couples, talks in details about insecurities within relationships. Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson is a classic on how to create deeper connections. Insecure people are fearful and they reach out in fear which manifests as insecurity. This needs compassionate understanding from the partner and discovery of “insecurity triggers-what people, events etc cause insecure episodes,” by the couple.

 

Therefore, constant feelings of insecurity are a manifestation of fear, self doubt, and lack of self love, separation from the divine, unequal relationships, self pity and emotional dependence. It causes jealousies and envy, breaks communication between people and leads to unnecessary conflict both within the individuals and relationship.

Let us explore some ways to cope with insecurity.

 

Need for security- The interactive Self Discovery Series by Sri Aurobindo has a book on fear: Its cause and cure. According to Sri Aurobindo, fear comes from the excessive concern about ones security. In relationships, we are afraid of being vulnerable and try to protect ourselves by seeking external reassurances and platitudes. By opening up, sharing our inner fears and just letting them be, we are able to face them. When we keep trying to mitigate our fearful insecurities, we keep feeling them.

 

Finding inner stillness- Minood says that we can control our insecurities by finding the core that is calm and divine. Through meditation we begin to focus on our breath and slowly release tensions and anxiety.

 

Chanting- I ask clients to choose the Gayatri mantra or a word that brings a sense of stillness and chant it every time they begin to dwell on insecurities and fearful thoughts. Thoughts lead to emotions and emotions drive behaviour, which might not be to our benefit. Bad behaviour results in a whole new cycle of negative emotions which begins to destroy relationships.

 

Risk love- Harold S. Kushner in his book, When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough, talks about love with risk. There is no relationship without risk of loss, failure or grief. It is in inevitable part of loving. Rabbi Kushner says, we fear to give ourselves hundred percent in a relationship. Love is a freefall of emotions and once we can accept the emotional investment required, we begin to let go of fear.

 

Surrender- Whether it is to destiny or the divine, eventually we need to surrender and let go of outcomes. Shyla has learnt to let go of fears and insecurities. She now lives with the faith that what is to be will be and she cannot control it. “I tell myself each day that if Rahul has to cheat on me he will, by my constant vigilance or assurance seeking, the outcome will not change, infact it will weaken my relationship further.”

 

Law of attraction- we all know the famous book The Secret which talks about how we manifest fears by dwelling on them. Sri Aurobindo also explores this concept, that by focusing on fear, we will create that very fear and we should keep reminding ourselves of this.

 

Separate- learn to separate reality from fear. When we operate from insecurities we are operating from a place that is build on fantasy not reality. Is you fear based on evidence? Where is the fear coming from? Seek therapy to help you differentiate and cognitively restructure.

 

In the NOW- Insecurities are the results of living in the past or future. I often hear people say “He/she did that to me in the past so now I do not trust them and therefore I am insecure.” Or,” my father suffered financially and I am scared I will too.” Therapist Marsha Williams says “One of my favourite acronyms that I apply to my relationship is WIN, meaning ‘What’s Important Now’” This helps her stay in the present and assess current needs, as opposed to thinking of the past or future.

 

Insecurity is best tackled by finding our own power. Discovering our strengths and building our lives with the knowledge that people cannot fulfil our needs or make us happy. The Buddha talks about creating a space in you, which is solely yours. This inner life is independent of others. When we are able to be with ourselves without fearing our minds, we find security. The desperate need for others disappears; they become a part of our life not life itself. This is important to remember because when people build their lives around one particular person or objective, life becomes very insecure.

 

Finally, if the relationship is not working, we need to let go. We have to assess and see if insecurity stems from our minds or whether our partner or friend is generally unreliable. We can work on your own insecurities, but we cannot change our partner into being something they aren’t. So if we choose to be in the relationship, letting go of insecurity and reaching acceptance will give us peace, and if we simple cannot find that, then it is time to rethink that attachment. Remember, there is a difference between being insecure in an abusive relationship and feeling insecurity in a non abusive relationship.

 

Eventually, a healthy relationship is one in which we can share insecurities, be open and vulnerable with our loved ones and instead of seeking constant reassurances, surrender our fears to the divine. Life is not meant to be a constant struggle and too often, we are struggling with what was or what has not come to be.